No Hiding From the Truth
by abharding
Summary: Just what were Tom's thoughts before the confession that lead to his being dismissed from Starfleet. An AU of Pathways...


  
  
What was Tom Paris thinking before he confessed? And what are the reasons he lied in the first  
place? (Note: If you consider Jeri Taylors books to be cannon, then this is an AU. It is a very  
old story, written long before I read that book. It also assumes that Tom did not tell Harry the  
truth about why he confessed)   
  
// denotes thoughts  
  
No Hiding from the Truth   
Ann B. Harding   
parisfan@erols.com  
  
  
  
0530. Damn. Another sleepless night. Just what I didn't need. Not now.   
  
// Well what did you expect?// The voice that had been nagging me for the past week was  
back. You know what's going to happen in the morning.   
  
"Shut up." I muttered to the persistent voice. "Go away. I thought I got rid of you. I  
didn't need another lecture. I need my sleep."  
  
// Right You can't look like you had a sleepless night. // There was almost a dry tone to  
the voice. Might make you look guilty. And we can't have that. Can we?   
  
"What do you want with me?" I asked "And why don't you go away?"   
  
//Just popping in to remind what need to do at the hearing. But you don't need me for  
that, do you Tommy boy?//  
  
"I know what I have do at tomarrow's hearing." I replied through clenched teeth. "Then   
it will over. I'll be able to get on with my life."  
  
There was a snort of laughter. //You think you'll just be able to go back as if nothing  
happened? The voice asked. You'll just go back to your old life and pick up where you left  
off?//   
  
"Yeah, maybe." But I knew better. Knew that forgetting about the crash, getting on   
with his life wasn't going to that easy, nothing ever was, but at least one the hearing was over it   
wouldn't be the focus of everyone's life. It wouldn't be the hot topic of the day. "If everyone   
will stop talking about it, maybe I can ... forget it." I was grasping at straws, but then what else  
did I have to hold on to.   
  
//Yeah right. You know that's not going to happen. You can't even close your eyes  
without flashing back to the crash. But you keep telling yourself that it's over. You might even  
convice yourself one of these years.//  
  
"One of these years???" It wasn't something I really wanted to hear. I just wanted to   
forget the past two weeks. Pretend they had never happened.   
  
//One of these years.// The voice repeated, like my father when he was lecturing me for  
one of my screw ups. //Becuase no matter what else you do, this will be with for the rest of your   
life. People might as well know the reason why you feel so guilty.//  
  
  
"Will you shut up about people knowing?" I asked. "You want me to risk everything?"   
  
//What do you mean by 'everything'?//  
  
"What?" I asked. As far I was concerned "everything" was self explanatory.  
  
//What do you by 'everything'? What is it you are so afarid of lossing?//  
  
"Well let's start with my career with Starfleet." I began. "My plan for the admiralty? No  
one going to trust me with command.... I'll never even get my own ship." There were other   
things I would lose if the truth came out... some of them I couldn't even begin to consider....   
  
//What plans for the admiralty?// The tone was snide, almost sarcastic.  
  
"Just the ones that I've had all ..." I began, but was interupted yet again. It was my  
conscious.... always with the smart remark.   
  
//No! You mean the one that the family has had for you since before you were born.//  
  
"Leave the family out of this." I growled. "They have nothing to do with this."   
  
//Lair. They has everything to do with this. In fact they are the ones you can't face.//  
  
"No! That's not true." I said the words softly, but wanted to shout them. That couldn't   
be the reason. It just couldn't. I could face my family. They would hurt, they would be mad, but  
they wouldn't... would they? "My Starfleet carceer is very important to me."   
  
//I never said your Strafleet carceer wasn't important to you. In fact it's very important  
to you. True, you don't have the goals your family would like it to have, but that's not the point.   
Right now we're talking about how much you need your family's love and acceptance.//   
  
"Is there something wrong with that?" I asked. Everyone wants to be part of their family,  
didn't they?   
  
//No. It's perfectly normal. But that's not the issue here. What is at issue is hoe how   
scared you are that you'll lose that love, that accpetence when the truth comes out... That when  
your family learns that your not perfect, they won't want you anymore....//  
  
I didn't want to think about that. My family would support me even if I screwed up.  
Wouldn't they? I don't need to perfect to be a Paris. Right? "What do you know about it?" I  
asked.   
  
//Enough to know you have reason to worry. But that if you are to be true to yourself,   
you have to take that risk. //  
  
"Why?" I asked. "You already said that I have reason to worry. So why do I have to risk  
losing ..." It wasn't something I could easily say. Risk losing my family  
  
//It's the only way you can honnor the other pilots is to tell the world what happened. It's  
the only way to make sure that justice is served.//   
  
"Justice?" I asked, not able beleive that the voice had chosen that word. "There isn't any   
justice in this universe. " If there were any I would have died in that crash, either along with, or  
instead of, the others.   
  
//You may be right, but it didn't work out that way.. You surrived the crash and someday  
you will have to learn to live with that fact.//  
  
"I don't know if I can." I said softly. "I'm even sure I want to."   
  
//You don't have a choice.//   
  
"Yes, I do." he replied. There was one way out, but I didn't have the guts for it. "I  
don't have to live with this..."  
  
//Oh no you don't. That would be the easy way. This one time you're not going to take the  
easy way. //  
  
"So what do I do now?" I asked.   
  
//Tell the truth... //  
  
"And after they cashier me out?" I asked with a hint of a smile.   
  
//I'm sure you'll find something to do...//   
  
"Thank's a lot for the vote of confidince..." I muttered. The sun was begining to rise..  
Time to get up. I rolled out of bed and began to dress.  
  
//I never said that you were going to get off easy. In fact, you probably won't be.//  
  
"Then why I'm I doing it?" I wanted know as I took out my dress uniform.   
  
//Because you may be a lot of things, but a lair isn't one of them...//  
  
"If I'm not a lier, then why did I lie?" I asked as is brgan to dress. I didn't know what the  
response would be.   
  
//You're not perfect. You had a moment of weakness. the tone was calmer, more gentle.   
You didn't want to face the fact you screwed up so you lied. And when you lie to yourself, how  
can you tell the truth to anyone else?//  
  
"And now... I've admitted the truth, at least to myself. Only I can't live with the.... "  
  
//.....With the lies you told earlier.//   
  
"So I don't have a choice... do I?"   
  
//No. You don't. The one thing you can't hide from is yourself. //  
  
I sat back on my bed for a minute and closed my eyes, and made my decsion. It was time   
to the hearing board. Now that I made my choice I justed wanted it done with. . One last glance  
in the mirror. Spit and polish. Not that would help any, but what the hell did I have to lose?   
Other then everything, that is? I smiled slightly as I looked in the reflection of the mirror. One   
way or the other, this would be a hearing that no one would soon forget.   



End file.
